Harold Jaffe's fiction

212 Motherfuckers
by Harold Jaffe

cover image of Sex for the Milleniumfrom Sex for the Millennium
(Black Ice Books, 1999)

My name is Flabass, I'm a shockjock.

So this dude with a thick Bronx accent phones the station and says: I seen that you had pornstar Amber Viper on right before she broke her own world record of doing 212 guys. Well, I was one of 'em. Number 192 to be exact. How's about I come on your show, give you the skinny?

I'm like: You were one of the 212 motherfuckers that got it on with Amber Viper?


You sound kind of dense. Know how to get to Manhattan from the Bronx?

I may be dense but I ain't dumb.

So he comes on the program looking like you'd expect: Chunky, balding, working-class, a little dense and a little dumb.

You know who I am?

Sure. Flabass, the world-famous shockjock.

Ever been on TV before?



Nah. Maybe a little.

What do they call you?

Dominic. Dom.

You're Italian, right?

Hundred percent.

You hung pretty good? Italian guys are usually hung.

Yeah, I'm cool.

You don't look that cool. You're sort of a homely dude, right?

That depends.

Depends on if you're blind or not. Let's say you're not handsome. Can you live with that?


So how did a homely--check that: unhandsome--guy become part of the 212 motherfuckers that did Amber Viper?

I seen the ad and auditioned.

What'd you have to do? Drop your drawers?

Yeah. And bring proof that you're HIV-free.

[Laughs] That's real hard to scam, right?

Plus you had to wear a rubber.

Bring your own?

Nah. They had like a huge crate filled to the brim with rubbers. And another crate for the used ones.

It was in Madison Square Garden, right?

Yeah. The Garden.

So how did they decide the order, like who went first, who went last?

They gave us numbers when we came in. The first, like, ten slots or so were reserved for pros, porn stars.

Amber got a jump start with the porn stars then took on the ordinary dudes?


Where? Like on a king-sized circular waterbed or something?

King-sized but not a waterbed. Probably they were afraid it would burst. All that fucking. The bed was on a thick rug with lots of cushions. There was also kind of a long velvet sofa. And a swing, or sling.

So there was variety, right?


The deal was she had to do one dick at a time, right? No multiples.

Yeah. One at a time.

You were, what?, 196th? How long did that take?

I was 192nd. Took about eight hours.

Long time. Were you stripped or dressed?

I stripped down about forty-five minutes before. Other guys kept dressed to the last minute.

You stayed there the whole time? Madison Square Garden?

No. I got something to eat with a bunch of other guys who were at the end of the line like me.

[Laughs] What'd you eat? Raw oysters?

Nah. Fast-food stuff. Burgers.

So you finally got your chance of a lifetime: the 196th guy to fuck Amber Viper. There was no foreplay, right?

No. In and out, shoot your wad. Well, the porn stars, the first like ten guys or so, they messed around with her a little. But not us ordinary guys.

Messed around meaning . . .

Squeezed her plants. Sucked them. Head.

Went down on her?

Both ways. She did them too.

But one at a time, right? No multiples.

One at a time.

So how did you stay hot all that time?

They had dancing girls, strippers, doing some shit while Amber was being fucked.

Doing some shit? Not touching you?

No. Just stripping, spreading. Like that.

Pretty hot?

Yeah. Not bad.

How about the porn stars that did Amber first? Well-hung, good-looking studs, right?

Yeah. Smooth operators. Not like us ordinary guys.

You should've brought your cell phone. Broadcast the action.

Wasn't allowed. No cameras, camcorders, cell phones, none of that.

So Amber went for eight hours without taking a break, or what?

She took a couple breaks. Fifteen, twenty minutes. Took a leak or something.

She seem to be enjoying it?

Sort of. Hard to say. She wanted to break her record, right? Every time another guy spritzed the number flashed on a scoreboard.

Probably the same scoreboard the Knicks use.

Right. I think it was.

So what kind of sounds did they have? Piped-in music?

Yeah. Heavy metal. Real loud.

To keep the energy level up, right? Particularly after the first 180 or so.


How'd the place smell? Raunchy?

They had a couple guys with large mops cleaning up after every five or six dudes. It smelled like a locker room.

So finally your turn came, right? Dominic from the Bronx. Were you stiff? Were you ready to rumble?

Shit yeah.

You do it on the bed or the swing?

Bed. She only used the swing with the first ten guys, the porn stars.

How'd you do it? Front? Back?

Back. Some guys she was on her front, some on her side. Me, she got on all fours.

[Laughs] In your case Amber didn't want to see who she was fucking.

[Laughs] Yeah.

So was she tight? [Laughs]

She's a small woman, right? Amber. No, she wasn't that tight. I got my eight or ten thrusts then I spritzed.

Way to go, Dominic. She say anything to you?

No, not really.

She moan?


Maybe she didn't know you were inside her.

She knew.

Right. You're Italian and you're hung. Okay. So you pulled out, shook off the used condom, dropped it into the crate filled with used condoms. What'd you do then?

Got dressed and went home.

You didn't even have a cold one? To celebrate?


So you took the subway up to the Bronx?


You didn't get mugged on the subway, did you?

Got hassled but not mugged. No big deal.

Who hassled you?

Nazi skinheads. They must've smelled the sex on me. Got them all worked up. I showed them what I was carrying and they backed off.

Which was?

Smith 357.

That's illegal, Dominic.

So's spitting in the subway. Which I do all the time.

So did you see your girlfriend that same night?

Yeah. I seen her.

Did she know you did Amber Viper? That you were one of the 212 motherfuckers? Number 196?

192. No way. I didn't tell her squat.

What's her name? Your girlfriend?

Regina. Gina.

Sounds like she's Italian too.

Hundred percent.

So did you have enough left to fuck Gina that night?

Shit yeah. Did her from behind. Great action. Probably the best ever.

And all the time you were thinking of Amber Viper, right?

Nah. Well, maybe a little bit.

What'd you do after you did Gina from behind? Have a spaghetti dinner?


The next day Amber Viper phones the station and I take the call.

Flabass, that guy you had on the show yesterday that claimed he did me?

Dominic from the Bronx. Number 196 of the 212 mother-fuckers.

He's full of shit. I never saw him before.

What? How would you know? I mean 212--

I remember the face and anatomy of every dude I fucked. That loser wasn't one of them. Trust me.


That fuckin' scumbag, I say. He scammed me.

He scammed you and he libeled me. I fucked 212 mother-fuckers, which is a new world record, breaking my old record of 200, set last year in the Rose Bowl. Like some girls, they do big numbers but with multiples, okay? I did 212 dudes in Madison Square Garden, one-by-one, and each and everyone had class. This bozo that came on your show and claimed he did me--

Dominic from the Bronx.

Yeah. Totally classless.

Yeah, right. Only he got himself some big time airtime. At my expense. He outfoxed Flabass. The fuck.

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